less than this

I am in a sort of ... protracted battle.

I am so...

I can feel stress as the chemicals it leaves behind, eating me alive from the inside. I can feel this... There's exhaustion, a burning, a sort of chemical burning in all my muscles and blood vessels and as a waiting charge of shocking sensation just under my skin that jostles me greatly at the slightest touch.

I've just seen a promo for a documentary about a woman who has hugged over 26 million people worldwide. I fully expect that if I hugged even 26 people right now, I might not survive the shock.

I am experiencing so much stress, anxiety, tension, that it is physically painful to be alive.

I should be writing a novel...

It's what I kept telling people (telling myself) I would be doing this weekend. I wrote about 85% of Untrue Tales Book 3 last Labor Day weekend before getting interrupted. This weekend my mind never seemed to calm down out of the 'interrupted' state to get started... except on the literal verge of sleep, Friday night, I wrote for a couple of hours and got less than a thousand words and didn't want to go on, was too tired to go on, something, somewhat, but nothing came out. And it's early yet, a full weekend's worth of weekend left before I have to go back to work. All day today, all night tonight, all day tomorrow, even tomorrow night, if I want it... well, sortof. I only have a very few modafinil left, not really enough for a novel-weekend, but I could probably stretch things with caffeine if I was motivated.

Or even just disciplined.

I need to learn to be more disciplined, to write on a set schedule without fail, to paint/draw/sculpt on a set schedule without fail, to be consistent and invest the time and effort required to succeed. Yes, I am well aware that success is whatever you decide it is. I've decided, and really it hasn't changed much over the years since I decided it, that for me success is in creating. Money would be nice, but I've got to create something in order to sell it, and I've got to create something good in order to satisfy myself. I've got to keep working.

But I'm so stressed out.