less than this

Life and love are not zero-sum games. One is not required to lose so that another can win.

In fact, usually, when one person "loses" in life and/or in love, everyone involved loses, too. No one "wins" when life is lost, when love is lost.

There's a lesson about violence and confrontation that they try to teach that says that "the only way to win is not to play." This is generally valid; if you can keep from playing, you're generally better off than you would be if you had played at violence. In life and in love, if you (or the people you're involved with) decide to treat it as a game, and especially as a zero-sum game, the same rule applies.

Of course, if you choose not to play (or if you choose to play it as the non-zero-sum game that it is, where everyone can win), those who are playing that way sure can make it feel like you've lost.

There's a song I've been listening to lately, learned the words of so I could sing it to myself, and while the overwhelming message is forward-looking, there is a very softly-sung section which says "Take me to a / place so holy / that I can wash this from my mind / the memory of choosing not to fight." And the whole song is beautiful, but this part ... when I was first trying to learn the lyrics I had trouble making it out and remembering it until I finally heard the entire thing and understood it and it really hit home. Lately I've been in a situation where I chose not to fight, where I could have, perhaps should have, and could maybe have "won" - except for a variety of reasons, including the idea repeating in my mind that "the only way to win is not to play," I chose not to fight. And this part of the song... I hope someday I'll be able to wash this from my mind: the memory of choosing not to fight.

Have I lost? Could I have won if I'd chosen to play, to fight? I don't think anyone's won, the way things have come down, and while I don't regret what I've done and what I haven't done (save for a few evil thoughts and a single mis-statement I haven't had the chance to clarify), I wonder if what I'll remember most about it is that I chose not to fight. That it turned out the way it did because I'd never decided to treat it as a game, never tried to "play to win" at the expense of the others involved.

Or will I remember all the beautiful moments where I'd allowed myself to remain ignorant of the obvious impending "loss" and thus experienced bliss?

(more...)

I recently ordered another batch of my books, and they are either already waiting for me at work or will be tomorrow morning by this time. Which means that you can now get any of the following books from me in person and not pay shipping costs, plus get your copy signed:

Lost and Not Found, $20 (this one sells out fast)
Dragons' Truth, $15
The Vintage Collection, $15
Untrue Tales Book One, $15
Untrue Tales Book Two, $15
Untrue Tales, Book One AND Book Two combined, $20
[secret book you aren't allowed to even know exists, let alone buy], $40,000

So. There you go. If you'd like to buy any of these books, just let me know. I have access to the car all the time now, so I can drive all over GMPhoenix to deliver them to you (Nanda, Iain, Marie, other east-side friends, this means you), and gladly.

Ohh, here, this is new: Now you get a receipt with your purchase! WOo!

Okay, time for work.

Sometimes my life is pain. Most of the time it isn't. Some of the time it is amazing, wonderful, brilliant.

I am thankful for all of it.

(more...)

Something in me has been changing lately.

The other night for the first time I felt as though my beard didn't belong.

And tonight my long fingernails seem strange to me for the first time.

Sure, they've seemed this way to other people for a long time, and I've heard a lot of crap about them both, not to mention my head hair, which has been bothering me in another way for a long time, but this is the first time they've ever seemed not right for me.

I don't know what I'll do about these feelings.

(more...)

The front page of Modern Evil used to be count-based, showing n posts, regardless of age. When I moved it over to green fields and flowers, it became quite intentionally date-based. No flower survives more than 14 days before falling off the bottom of the field. The more posts, the more flowers, and when the site looks like it did tonight when I set down it does so because ... I haven't been posting. There are only a sparse few flowers in the field. If I fall much farther behind, there will be no flowers in the field at all. This taunts me to make more posts.

At the same time, I don't want my posts to be meaningless. A certain amount of purely self-referential posts is reasonable, but they should not me in the majority. A post about posting now and again, but not as a rule.

So this post ... I'll let it be, but I think I'll go make a different post with an actual subject, if only so there will be two new flowers instead of one.